Wifftober III - Loggers' Dreams Chopped Down

Lagers defeat Loggers in a 17-7 show of Wiffsmanship
Post Season
Game Date: 
October 17, 2009
Epicocity of Game: 

The First Six:

It was 20 degrees at seven AM when the Lowbus made its first stop in Lincoln at Casa de Guapo.  By game time it had warmed to a balmy 28 degrees down in Waltham.  The grounds crew had mowed the frost off the field and was stretching the yellow power cords across the infield to mark the play boundaries.  The air was thick with the giddy feeling of getting away with something.  We had somehow convinced our wives and loved ones that a ten hour wiffle ball game was really the best use of our time.  The teams were pumped and the banter in the Oxley clubhouse was frivolous as West Coast mixed up a top-notch batch of Bloody Marys for the game.  

The Wooden Ones were outside practicing double play balls and warming up their arms for the coming battle. The competitiveness that the Axemen brought to the game was a palpable sign of their hunger for the hardware -- Lord Wiffle's Chalice.  The Lagers, dominant all season long, were more laid back.  They knew that to win they just had to do what they had been doing all season -- drink beer and hurl plastic.  

Lonichiro sang the anthem with added emotion behind the newly enhanced Chalice of Lord Wiffle and the fly-over by the Canadian Color Guard happened about an hour late.  Apparently geese can't tell time.  Claudio led off as the starting pitcher for the Loggers and was rudely slapped awake with a four run burst of power by the frothing Lagers.  Still only the first inning, everyone who wiffles knows that four runs is nothing to a seasoned team like the Loggers, but it proved to be the beginning of a long day of catch-up ball and the Lagers never looked back.  

The best argument of the day came early when J-Mac popped up into foul territory down the right field line.  J-Mac had his wits about him and called "tag" to advance the runner from third.  The ball was caught and no throw came home to gun him down.  When J-Mac asserted that he had indeed called for the tag, confirmed by Lucky Charms, while the ball was still in the air, all hell broke loose on the field. -- Can a runner tag up on a foul ball? How far foul is too far? If it is too far foul wouldn't that be like the fielder diving into the stands?  What if he landed on the guy selling beer?  Would the Beer guy's insurance cover him? -- These, and many other salient points were bandied about at top volume until it was decided that it would be ruled a do-over -- a first in Lowball history-- costing the Lagers a run and depriving them of what would have been another first for Lowball, the first legitimate use of the Tag Rule.  They would have to wait until the top of the 19th inning for that honor when J-Mac again had the presence of mind to call a runner home.  For the time, however, the Loggers won the first argument of the day and Claudio had to pitch to J-Mac again.  The first pitch, coming on a 1-2 do-over count, J-mac ripped for a single. Therefore, instead of facing Lonichiro with two outs, one run in and a man on first and second, Claudio now faced him with one run in, one out and the bases juiced.  Ichiro promptly made them pay for their argument with another hit, and the Lager tide was rising.  El Guapo did garner the MVA --Most Valuable Arguer--award for the series for his introduction of the Beer-man defense.  

The effervescent Lagers rallied for seven runs in the first six innings and held the Axemen to just one run off a poised Oxley in the third.  Sausage bagel sandwiches followed, and the charter flights for Gap-Bridge left just before noon.


The Second Six:

The temperature at the Hallowed Grounds was up in the forties by the time the teams took the field on what had become an epic October day.  West Coast and Lucky Charms were the last to arrive, apparently because West Coast had an appointment for a facial in between games.  The September call-up from the Scottish leagues was asked to comment on why the driver of his car was so long in getting them to the game.  Unfortunately no one could understand what he said through his thick Scottish brogue.  Claudio again took the mound for his team to lead the charge in the top of the seventh, and again he was treated rudely by the Fizzy ones.  Four more runs and an 11-1 Lager lead.  

The pitching of the Lagers staff continued to dominate and by the time the burgers were served the tide had risen to 14-1.  The Woodsmen would have some clear-cutting to do if they were going get out of this forest.  


The Back Nine:

Hunter S. Thompson field was immaculate and the amazing weather made the idea of quitting after only six innings, as planned, seem ludicrous.  Besides the Loggers were going to be needing all nine if they were to have any shot of coming back.  And come back they did, first with a solo home run from the bat of El Gordo in the bottom of the 13th inning off of Lonichiro who served him a meatball on a platter which he golfed over the left field fence.  Again in the bottom of the 14th inning the Loggers finally pounced on T. Trot Thompson III who had stymied them all day.  Trot held his poise as the loggers sent five men around the merry-go-round.  His fielders, who had been sharp all day, missed some routine plays that added to his troubles and it seemed as if the Loggers might finally be getting the rally they needed to make it a game.  

That might have been the case if only they didn't have to face The Ox, J-Mac, and His Holiness the Plastic Surgeon.  Lights-out-Lagers for the next seven innings.  "There was nothing they could do." The Beer Guy was quoted as saying,  "It's bad enough that you have to have to face Mac and Ox, but to know that you're ten runs down and The Scalpel is on the mound?  Fuggedaboutit."  

And forget they did, as the Lagers hoisted the hardware and sipped sweet victory from the Lord's Chalice.  


Post Script:

It was noted by a keen observer that the Lagers put Champagne -- actual Champagne, not the Champagne of Beers, which is the customary beverage for such occasions-- in The Chalice for their celebratory quaffs.  Some wonder if this is a sign that the dreaded gentrification has finally come to Lowball; some wonder if HR hoarded the stash of High Life that he had hoped to be pouring over his own team's heads.  The embattled Commissioner could not be reached for comment.  The world may never know, but one thing we all know for sure:  Lowball will be awash with controversy when the snow melts and we find all the balls we lost in the tall grass.  May it always be so.

One Wiffle




Player of the Game
Astroglide Smooth Defense


Member since:
9 July 2007
Last activity:
6 years 50 weeks

well played sirs, well played

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