FLASHBACK: The Holy Matriwiffle

Chin Music turns in a Hall of Fame performance to power the Lagers past the Loggers
Regular Season
Game Date: 
July 14, 2010
Epicocity of Game: 

If a LowBall fan is lucky, they will be privileged enough to witness at least one truly splendid wiffle moment in their lifetime. The sad and unspoken truth is that most will perish from the Earth having never experienced plastic perfection, a fact that certainly contributes to the constant unraveling of life as we know it. The honor was bestowed on those gathered in the mid Eastern hills of Bristol on the most marvelous day of July of 2009. The most famous male of the weekend, Chin Music, took center stage in the featured wifftravaganza. He went on to pitch a complete game in front of his home crowd while providing the offensive power to ensure his team's victory.

Sadly, this game occurred during the dark days of wiffle journalism and never received the recap it so deserved. In an effort to rectify this tragedy, The LowPress is proud to present an exclusive and elusive interview with the man responsible for such grand memories, Claudio.

For further reading on the timelessly awesome event, check out this write-up - "What Dreams Are Made Of".

Hugh Wifflerton (HW): Thank you for allowing me into your home on this the anniversary of the greatest single wiffle performance ever witnessed by mortal men. You have a lot of cheese. I did not see a high school marching band from Topeka in the driveway, is the parade tomorrow or have you sent them back to Kansas for improper costume?

Claudio (CM): You know you're always welcome here, Hugh. It's always a pleasure. I'm continually amazed at your ability to know the dirt about town even after the whole scene has been bleached and hosed down. We've been in talks to have OK GO come out and shoot one of their videos at the hopyard. Assuming they would bring the full entourage we did stock up in anticipation a fair amount of the finest local meats and cheeses but i'm not sure the timing's going to work out. So, please, help yourself. You might find some tasty triscuit crackers in the farthest reach of the pantry.

HW: If you were to rate pitching a complete game in the epic Matriwiffle on a scale from a $3.50 puppy that your mother bought you at the mall petshop to winning the Indy 500 in a pedal powered Go-Kart rolling in reverse, where exactly would it lie? Please expound.

CM: I'm not sure I know the top end of that scale from the bottom. Most lowballer's hold to a pretty strict low-impact exercise regimen. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to take a lap in victory lane but i'd be afraid all that pedalling would destroy my give-away/take-away ratio on calories. Maybe i'd put it up there with owning my own hot dog cart.

HW: When I attempt to recall my favorite moment from the Matriwiffle match, I have trouble as a result of a determined attempt to kill a keg of Switchback in a mid summer monsoon. I see a blur of colors similar to a Jackson Pollock painting that has been utilized as a blind in an upstate New York paintball facility. What is it that sticks in your mind about the famous battle, keeping you toasty in the cold winter months?

CM: I don't know whether to call it a dream or a nightmare, but usually the only thing that comes back for me...as we were all in the trenches on keg, brother...is the visage of el guapo coming from the dugout inning after inning with a yellow sock to keep my arm warm. We were in the lager blacks that day. The sun was behind the trees. In the memory he's got the eye black on, a lipper in and his hat turned backwards. It's the support, the camaraderie, that keep me toasty hugh. I still have the sock.

HW: Your fanbase easily has the largest footprint in the United States of any LowBaller. Was there any concern that having that many Chin fans in one location would disrupt the rotation of the Earth and thus make the wiffles break in the opposite direction? Has your fanbase decided to move to Vermont in hopes of catching another epic Wiffle?

CM: You gotta love those fans...second only to dutch football fanatics in the distance they will travel and spirit they bring. Thanks to the matriwiffle the tenets of lowball have travelled as far as the pacific northwest. I think the fans are all too aware of an open invitation to come back out to the VT for more revelry. As yet no one has rsvp'd.

HW: I once saw a contortionist at the Barnum and Bailey Circus twist into some sort of a variation of a pretzel. I really wasn't that impressed but my parents got me a balloon so it didn't seem like such a scam. You didn't run any scams at Matriwiffle, but your contorted pitching style ruined a lot of player's at bats. How exactly to you get your body to do that? Are the sideburns a factor? Did you need any adjustment after the game? If so, did your league issued insurance cover it? I love those policies that allow for massages (wink, wink).

CM: How about I let you in on a little secret...I started make regular jaunts down to the amazon to relax a couple seasons ago. On one trip in particular this little old lady started jabbering at me in portuguese. I have no idea what she was saying, probably just yelling at me to quit sitting in her favorite shaded chair all day while she beat the dust out of a rug, but she gave me a fistful of jerky. After a couple days on the jerky diet I noticed my flexibilty was increasing by leaps and bounds. It was only much later i learned it was really the bark of a rubber tree. But, all painful trips to the john aside I have to say i've been pleased with the results. I've been importing the bark and gallons of the sap ever since. Unfortunately I chose the leagues cheapest insurance plan so i pay for it all out of pocket. Come to think of it, I don't know of a single player that's ever filed a claim successfully. Where does all the money go? If you get bored, hugh, might look into that one.

HW: If the Commissioner's office stops refusing all interviews, I will try to get to the bottom of it. But seriously, if you had it all to do again, would you consider growing a mustache like that dude in Almost Famous? If not are there any regrets from the game? Any people you would have like to have beaned?

CM: I do my best to throw strikes. I've felt the sting of tattooed flabbiness and, no doubt, beaners are part of the game but I can't say I'd ever throw with malicious intent. Though I'm pretty sure there are some out there that relish the thought of branding anyone that stands in the box. growing a mustache might just encourage such a hurler to try to shave it off with a well placed piece of plastic. But if I were to go mustachioed, would you write up my fastball as "incendiary" regardless of speed? Or would you just tell me, "way to go."

HW: Mostly the latter, it always bothered me that Jason Lee, who grows the meanest stache, had a beard in that movie. Moving on, I heard a rumor that your performance was so amazing that it sucked all the moisture from the Hopyards. I also heard that the owners were considering covering the entire field in bronze to preserve the national landmark. What is the real story with future games at the Hopyards?

CM: I'll cut right to the chase on this one. The hopyard's seen some changes to the infrastructure so far this year. Unfortunately the changes couldn't be completed in the off season so we've had to delay opening of the 2010 season up on the hill. We're looking to bring players and possibly families up for a game or two in august. The hope is that the late start will bring some fresh lawn to the league and help those fields that have been carrying the burden so far this year recuperate for the big push at the end of the season.

HW: Sometimes I lay in my yard and stare at the sky, naming all the clouds after characters from the Rascals. This is a pretty massive waste of time. You didn't waste many pitches during the Matriwiffle due to an ample helping of defensive support. If you were forced by a Russian border guard to write down your thoughts on your fielders (in triplicate) what would you have to say?

CM: Well, as the Russians are well known to indulge in the safety and security of a thorough bureauacracy fraught with the collating of voluminous requisitions and committees of committees for minutia, if only i could keep a federation of fielders of such high quality behind me forever the names on this year's wifftober trophy could be sent out for etching now without the payment of even a single bribe...stampy stampy stampy.

HW: It is pretty obvious to the world that tigers are much cooler than lions. Do you think your complete game performance, reminiscent of a Tiger mauling and devouring many small furry animals, will ever be replicated?

CM: I think we both know that the outcomes of any game cannot be predicted. Moments come and moments go. Players peak and players wane. I like to think that with the talent pool in this league we're bound to see more herculean fetes

HW: Well thank you for the interview, I am afraid I have consumed all of the cheese in your refrigerator and as a result must leave. Do you have any parting words for the youth and old guys looking to stumble down the same path to unnoticed glory?

CM: Hugh appears to like the cheddar.

With the cheese gone, I excused myself to the bathroom to steal the hand towels. Claud's got (had) those ultra swank Egyptian silk handtowels with the word "complete" embroidered on the front. While Claudio was polishing his LowBaller of the Year plague, I slipped out the door with the towels and renewed memories of the greatest game we are likely to ever see. We may not see an epic everyday but we can relive one in our imagination whenever we wish.

Player of the Game
The complete game pitching, the tying homerun, the greatest known game.
Astroglide Smooth Defense
Defensive Highlights: 
If I remember correctly, the Oxly one robbed Chin Music of a homerun by stumbling through the fence, it is all so hazy.


Member since:
2 August 2007
Last activity:
4 years 3 weeks

honestly, man. you took the towels? the lady's going to kill me...

Member since:
6 June 2010
Last activity:
4 years 12 weeks

This could well be the greatest interview in Lowball history. Fitting, as a reminiscence of the greatest game of all time. You have out done yourself Hugh!

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