Questions for Season IX

Questions for Season IX

The epic novel that is LowBall will ink its 9th chapter this summer and fans will be treated to yet another season of twists and turns. For an unprecedented ninth year, the great wifflers of LowBall will gather for an undetermined number of games spread sporadically over six months. At the conclusion, a handful of talented and lucky wifflers will celebrate with a long guzzle from Lord Wiffle's Chalice.

As we all await the season opener with nervous anticipation, let's take a look at some of the questions that linger and we hope to have answered this year. We polled the three readers of the LowPress and determined the following to be the most important unknowns.

1. What's the deal with the fields?

The fields of LowBall form the foundation of the finest Wiffle league in the known universe. These lush green canvas are the medium upon which wifflers paint their epic works. They inspire writers, some as great as I, to piece together prose of such beauty as to scare small children. They are elemental to the continued domination of LowBall.

At the conclusion of last season, the league was in mourning over the potential death of two fields. It was speculated and expected that no further games would be played on either the Friendly Confines or Burnham Field, two of the most storied fields in the storied history of LowBall. My sources are saying that this may not be the full truth. It looks as if Burnham will host one more Wiffmorial, the traditional start of the LowBall summer. The Friends of the Friendly Confines have lobbied tirelessly to keep the flag flying over the historic Friendly Confines. If they can stay sober, they may be rewarded with two separate stands of games in June and July.

Last season Whannywood and Unshod's rock garden each saw a day of action. With the departure of the two megafields, we expect to spend more time upon these adolescent fields. There is hope that we will welcome at least one new field this summer. While covering the Eastern Bristol Pond Hockey league, I, celebrated wiffle journalist Hugh S. Wifflerton, heard that Rory Mon is planning an epic wiffle pitch. I believe the intent of the exact quote was "oh, I will be going all out." In a world of obsessive ridiculousness, it is difficult to determine what going "all out" means, or if this quote ever actually occurred.

2. Who is the thirstiest LowBaller?


There is no single drink in the known world as tasty as that first sip of warm mass produced American beer poured from Lord Wiffle's Chalice. A LowBaller longs for that moment after battling through a day of wiffle when they can spill beer all over themselves in celebration. Only two wifflers have not experienced this grand sensation. Bento Box and Unshod One may have won the last two Rookie of the Year awards, but that does little for their thirst. The parched players of the plastic arts hope their drought does not outlast California's.

3. Will the double play get some love?

DOUBLE PLAY RULE: If a player hits a ground ball in the infield with less than two outs while in a force situation, the fielder may attempt a double play. The fielder must field the ball cleanly (no juggle), toss the ball to a team mate standing on second, who must then throw the ball and hit the designated ground out zone.

It is uncivil, downright barbaric, to reward the finest defensive play in the game with an argument over trivial things such as cleanliness of the fielding, intent of the throw, or location of the receiver. It is time for the LowBall nation to rise up and demand reform. We will not stand for this aggression. The fielder should be allotted the artistic license to bobble without the constraints of subjective fluidity. The man holding down second should not be forced into precisely locating the poor excuse for a base, they should have the freedom to settle in the "neighborhood". We demand these reforms in the name of great plays, because that's the way Lord Wiffle would want it.

4. Why not t-shirts?