Wifftober VII - The Wifflerton Preview

After my rambling history of Wifftober broke records for readership (4 live humans), the LowPress' editors, of questionable ethics, approached me with a grip of cash to re-up my annual Wifftober preview. Due to an expansive gambling debt amassed at the Great Escape squirt gun horse races, I, celebrated wiffle journalist Hugh Wifflerton, drunkenly accepted the offer. So let's get it over.

The Game Day
This year's October big bang is set to erupt across three fields for only the third time in LowBall's history. The rolling meadows of Burnham Field will play host to the top 6. This means an early start and likely frosty conditions, two things that wifflers like about as much as a swinging bunt. Let's take a moment here to address these wifflers apt to whine about the bite of Jack Frost. Listen you are playing wiffle in Vermont in October, the weather should suck, it should be a battle to get through the day. That is why, if you are so lucky, that first taste of flat, warm beer spilling forth from Lord Wiffle's Chalice is the best drink you will ever have. Wifftober is not a softie celebration, it is a grueling battle, so harden the f&*% up.

According to our friends at Accuweather, the wifflers should have some chill to bitch about with the high forecasted to be 45F and things likely to start the day around 24F (Historical averages Hi - 53F, Lo - 36F). Update: the forecast has trended down to a high of 40F and a low of 22F, with an ice storm forecasted for the Friday prior, we can only hope that pushes into Saturday. Despite a noticeable bite to the air, it should be bearable due to ample sunshine. The combination of the chill and Burnham's +2 pitcher rating should lead to a low score before heading to Lincoln to play out the remaining 12 innings upon the bat friendly fields of GapBridge (+1 Batter) and The Friendly Confines (+2 Batter).

The Standings
1. Plastic Surgeon - 6 played, 5 won
2. Black Cloud - 6 played, 3 won
2. Lonichiro - 6 played, 3 won
2. The Ox - 6 played, 3 won
2. Tremendous - 6 played, 3 won
3. Chin Music - 4 played, 3 won
4. West Coast - 5 played, 2 won
5. El Guapo - 4 played, 2 won
5. J-Mac - 4 played 2 won
6. Hideki O'Leary - 2 played, 1 won
7. The Show - 1 played, 1 won
8. Lucky Charms - 3 played, 0 won
9. Bad Science - 1 played, 0 won
9. The Beebs - 1 played, 0 won
9. Bento Box - 1 played, 0 won

The only known living legend in LowBall, the Plastic Surgeon, sits high atop the LowBall heap, nonchalantly sipping a gin and tonic, chuckling at the over exertion of his peers. After going thirsty in Wifftober I, the PHD of Plastic has been unstoppable in his fuzzy pants. So the big question is whether Dr. Petroleum will continue down his humble road of dominance or will the epic streak finally be halted. The other streak of interest belongs to Mr. Wiffle himself, Lonichiro. Going into the infamous Wifftober IV, Lonichiro was undefeated in postseason play. Unfortunately his winning ways ended upon the muddy turf of Burnham and have not returned since. We are all eager to see Lonichiro return to his dominant ways.

Finally, it must be mentioned that the Black Cloud, Lonichiro, The Ox, Plastic Surgeon, and Tremendous are looking to continue the most prestigious streak in LowBall, playing in their seventh consecutive October classic. The LowBall nation owes a great debt of gratitude to these wiffle patriots for keeping the fires of Wifftober stoked during the lean years.

The Big Guns
Last year, I ranked El Guapo tops in the league followed by The Ox. Feel free to reread those profiles as not a thing has changed atop the heap. In fact, I urge the mythical Supreme One to have a look, as placing these two fireballers on the same bench for a second year in a row would be a travesty. The Black Cloud has tumbled from his third position on the power ranking and now sulks at the bottom of the wiffle pile. Since I was away drinking with the aforementioned opaque weather system through the summer, I am not real sure how the rest of the pack shakes out, but I would be fairly confident in identifying The Plastic Surgeon and Lonichiro as the next two most capable wifflers.

The best crop of rookies to ever grace the LowBall grass are eager to leave their mark on the most prestigious game in wiffle. The Unshod One has brought unbridled passion for plastic this season, leading to a MVP at the inaugural VMF Wiffle Scramble and a lot of respect from the cagey veterans. The Rory Mon brings a whole lot of heat for a very mild mannered man. If he puts a harness on his riser, he could be up in the Guap and Ox world of pitching. Whanny represents the first player to break into the league from the Far East and has shown much promise as a future all-star of the league. With ample skill in all aspects, he will be a strong addition to whatever team he lands on.

My Prediction
After two years on the losing side of things, the Lagers will return to the top. The score will be 24-20 and one of the rookies will play a big part in the drama sure to unfold.



Member since:
28 July 2007
Last activity:
4 years 12 weeks

Damn it Wifflerton, you've done it again! Outstanding commentary on the approaching battle. Excellent reportage, sir. I salute you. Let it be know that you have at least one fan. In fact, I you were to tweet @wifflerton, I would follow you.