LOGGERS OUTHOMER LAGERS 18-16 in Exciting Season Opener, First Scacifice Fly in LowBall History

Lincoln - Wingman Howell soared on a gale force wind to tie a LowBall record considered untouchable, by homering 3 times in consecutive bats leading the Loggers to an opening day road victory over the Lagers, 18-16. In the bottome 3rd inning, with bases loaded and 1 out, the Lagers star Ox hit a fly to deep left center, as the ball left the bat he crying out "What ever it I am suppose to say to score", Lonichio looked confused after the catch gently tossing the ball back to the mound, and it was done. Tying the score at 1, Ox recorded the first sacrifice fly in LowBall history, breaking the game the game open and getting the new season off to a flying start, but the flying had only begun.

Veteran T. Trot Thompson III gave up 5 home runs in a nine run 4th in a game that the Lagers lead 7-1, including Wingman's 3 and back to back to back shots to start the inning. 30 mph winds or not, it is clear that the duel roles of a Player/Commissioner has taken it's toll on Trot. The game eventually yeilded 12 long balls, including a 130 foot (unofficial) blast by H.R. Beck that all agreed was the longest ever at GapBridge Field. Hot Rod also looked very sharp on the mound for the Lagers in the loss. Both teams showed both strong mid-season form and early season sloppiness on a beautiful but very windy day.

The 2008 Wifftober Champion Loggers fielded The Surgeon, Lonichiro, a returning J-Rod, New Dad Claudio, and the Wingman. The Lagers, 2008 Eastern League winners, fielded the same starting lineup that was humiliated in last year’s championship of Ox, Hot Rod, T.Trot, and The Unit as well as rookie Sean Noname, just brought up from Hubberton. The Lagers fought back from a 16-7 deficit in the 7th, bringing the tying run to the plate twice in the bottom of the 9th, but could not find the favorable breeze to blow for them and the Loggers prevailed in yet another LowBall classic, surly setting the stage for another year of LowBall classics in 2009.


The 2009 LowBall season officially begins this SUNDAY, May 31, at beautiful GapBridge Field in LINCOLN with the defending LowBall champions Loggers hosting last year's Eastern League pennant winning Lagers in a Wifftober repeat. The event is a FAMILY POTLUCK with the festivities beginning at NOON (rain or shine). Please bring the family and some FOOD to share. The Commissioner himself will man the GapGrill and provide a few pound of flesh and some cheap BEER. We hope to see lots of HAPPY faces.

Come help ring in the NEW AGE of WIFFLE.

Spring Training Breaks Camp This Saturday in Lincoln, Exhibition Game at 1:30, Player Association Meeting to Follow

The Lagers and Loggers will open Spring Training together on Saturday at GapBridge Field in Lincoln with an exhibition game at 1:30 and a Players Association meeting taking place at 4:30 the adjacent FieldHouse Grill.

Schedule: May 02,2009

6AM.....GapBridge Field opens for Players and Grounds-keeeping personnel

NOON...Gates open to Public

1:30PM..Exhibition Game

4:30PM..Player Association Meeting

Welcome Kestrel Wiffle Edwards

I would like to announce to the world the arrival of my son Kestrel Wiffle Edwards. The newest wiffler in the world.

Vegas Wiffle??? This Changes Everything.

Last week a new phenomena swept into the Wiffle world and things may never be the same. Faced with a low turn out, the hardcore crew of the Ox, El Guapo, The Unit, and Lonichiro introduced a twist to spice up the two on two game. The teams it was decided were to be the sluggers, Ox and Guapo, against The fireballing but unpredictable pair of the Unit and Lonich. The terms of play were laid out before the first pitch. The losers would pay the winners a dollar a run. The game commenced at around 4:00 PM and had been predetermined to be a day night double header, with a poker game being the night game. This combination is undoubtedly what sparked the idea for betting on the plastic, but the effect was stunning. The intensity of play for a two on two was electric. The teams were well matched and there was some sharply competitive attitudes that quickly rose to the surface. No stats were kept and the game turned into a pitchers duel of epic proportions. An example of intensity came after the Unit and the Lonster ran up a five run lead in the early going. Guapo took the mound and whisked a first strike past a stunned Lonichiro who was standing in the batters box, but not paying attention as he took his time getting ready. Guap just smiled like a fox and said, "What, you were in the batter's box."
Ox and Guap got back the five runs and a go-ahead sixth in the third inning as the Unit faltered and lost his command on the mound. But they could not hold the lead and let two more runs across in the course of the game. Lonichiro dominated from the mound in four shut out innings and with the late arriving help of Trip Atocha managed to stave off the hungry pair through nine in a riveting 7-6 finish that could change the way wiffle is played forever. By the way Ox still owes the unit fifty cents.

Friendly Confines throws 2 season shutout against Claudio: Final 4-0, 7-0

BRISTOL, Vt -- Two weeks after another gory incident at the fiendishly Friendly Confines the Bristol Lagers announced today that Claudio will be moved from the 15-day Disabled List to the open-ended Disappeared List. Ardent fans may recall the first use of the Disappeared List earlier this season when Hot Rod Beck announced his 30-day vanishment.

For the record, Claudio's move from the DL to the DL has nothing to do with the injury. Rather outside pursuits have once again beckoned him to travel cross-country in search of radioactive particles and high-stress situations. Phone calls from the League were returned by Dr. Orthopod who reported that seven stitches were removed Wednesday and affirmed that there were no signs of structural damage to the knee. Though he did recommend continued rest and light duty for the near future. It seems likely that the season will end with Claudio making rehab appearances for the Illinois Isotopes.

After 4 stitches in 2007 and 7 more in 2008 the Friendly Confines seems to have Claudio's number. Determined to stop the bleeding and finally win a decision against the Confines the player submitted a concept photo for the 2009 uniforms featuring an unusually high number of shin guards. To gain support it's rumored that Claudio may woo players heavily pelted by opposing pitching.

Eastern League Standings

Lincoln Loggers____6______5_____.545______-_____5-5___W1
Bristol Lagers._____5______6_____.455______1_____5-5___L1

Hot Rod Beck Shocks Wiffle World | Places Self on DL for Month

Hot on the heels of the El Guapo saga, the LowBall league has been hit with another controversy. Hot Rod Beck announced today that he would miss a minimum of one month to "focus" on outside pursuits. The announcement was met with an uproar of disapproval from the league's regulars. Hot Rod, known for his ability to write articles about himself, lack of hair, and league leading insults of Howard Howell, will undoubtedly be the center of speculation for the month of September. He has vowed to dominate the Wifftober Fest and keep Lord Wiffle's trophy at HST for another year.

El Guapo's Third Testicle Removed

SCARSDALE NY -- In an unconfirmed report from the associated press, the personal physician for wiffleball superstar Michael "El Guapo" Moriarty, Dr. Richard Chop, has had his licence suspended and is under investigation for malpractice, adding another layer of intrigue and controversy to the issues swirling around the troubled slugger. At the start of the season the storied El Guapo underwent a routine elective surgical procedure, the timing of which was questioned by many in the media, "Why wait until opening day to get a vasectomy?" This legitimate query went unanswered by the handsome one's press agent. This media blackout led to much speculation about what was really happening in those famed undergarments. Many suspected a penis enlargement, a common procedure among wifflers, but in a bizarre twist of events it has been revealed that a third testicle was added during the vasectomy, apparently in an attempt by the slugger to increase the level of testosterone in his body. The operation appears to have worked, but the effects of the increased "man juice" appear to have made the superstar irritable and prone to violent mood swings. The desired effects of the procedure, increased hitting power and muscle mass, appear not to have materialized. In an unprecedented statement by his agent it was revealed that Guapo was undergoing procedures at the Wifflearium to have the third testicle, and a great deal of unwanted body hair, removed. "This brings to a close an unpleasant chapter in the controversial goings on of this season" the Commisioner said in a brief statement. "As Lowball is an all inclusive league as far as substances go, the increased testosterone would not have constituted a violation of the rules. Apparently El Guapo wasn't aware that you could get a prescription for that kind of thing." He went on to state that he would like to put this whole sordid incident behind him and get on with the more pressing matter of investigating the proliferation of corked bats.


As the 2007 season came to a close, El Guapo was on top of the wiffle world, charging hard towards his first LowBall Player of the Year. He dominated the field from both sides; destroying batters with a pocketful of punishing pitches while bashing virtually every ball within the vicinity of the zone into the long grass. It should have been his year and his league. Unfortunately in LowBall, success can be fleeting and reality unforgiving. This is the El Guapo story.

The start of Guap's slide can be traced to a contract dispute with the Commish. In the early fall of 2007, Guap sent a formal contract extension request to the offices of LowBall. Bolstered by an incredible year, he demanded that his salary for 2008 be increased from the league minimum (and maximum) of no bottles of beer to a 40 ounce of High Life. The Commissioner swiftly issued a public statement reinforcing the league's long standing rule of not paying players a dime. Guap continued to press the office and eventually the dispute spilled onto the field as the league's star sat out the Wifftober Finale in protest.

It appeared that the snows of winter had cooled the dispute and all would be forgotten on opening day at HST. However, the day arrived without the larger than life El Guapo in the starting line-up. Rumors swirled that he had chosen to take up softball or worse yet tennis. The truth was even more painful for a league swirling in controversesy. Guap had elected to have a scheduled offseason surgery during the opening week. He was quoted as saying,"They're paying now, I am taking it easy recovering on 'company time'."

Despite looking dire for fledgling league, the Commish and Guap reached a resolution in early May. Guap would make a commission on all El Guapo bobbly head figures sold during games played on Monday. Some estimates have put the worth of this contract between $2 and $3, slightly lower than the 40 ounce he had sought.

With his much desired contract in hand, Guap appearred to be concentrating on a return to the top, even scheduling an opening day game at his homefield. Once again misfortune struck the star as tenants of The Friendly Confines filed a lengthy and scathing legal complaint against El Guapo. He was forced to break from his training regiment to make repeated appearrances against the wooly prosecution. Ultimately an amicable resolution was reached but not before the cancellation of the Confines opening day and many weeks of missed training.

Perhaps it was stress of a lengthy trial or complications with the recovery, whatever the case El Guapo struggled to regain form. There were flashes of his previous dominance here and there but largely it was a muddled mess of mecrocrity. With the benefit of hindsight, it is easy to see his slow mental dismantling. At the time, no one saw it coming.
It was at GapBridge on a stormy Sunday morning, that Guap's sweater of sanity finally was pulled one too many times. Ironically, it was his contractual nemesis that dealt the roundhouse brainbuster. With a single pitch, The Commish sent Guap away with another K to add to his bulging collection. An ACL makes an audible pop when it ruptures. There was no such sound when Guap's fragile mental state snapped. With the ferocity of a hungover beast, he brutally attacked the sacred strike zone of the hallowed grounds of GapBridge. At the conclusion, a stunned crowd watched as the deflated hero struggled back to the bench muttering, "I have issues."

El Guapo disappeared off the LowBall map after the tragic incident. Rumors have run rampant that he moved to Port Henry to live the "island life." The above photo surfaced on the internet suggesting that there may be truth to the nasty tale. Though some have questioned his ability to grow such a mean mullet and not have a mean mustache to match.

As the debate of Guap's future in LowBall and his eligibility for the hall rages on, a small coalition of supporters has started to demand his reinstatement. Led by Lonichiro, they have instigated a campaign called "oBamBama for President". Despite the incoherence in the coalition's message, the Commish has issued a statement saying that Guap will always have a home in LowBall amongst the other flawed purveyors of the plastic.

This is not a story of sorrow, but instead a story of hope. Hope that one of the league's brightest stars and most vibrant personalities will return to the top. I am sure the fans and players will welcome him back with open arms.